From the accumulated wisdom of “Anonymous”
Whenever I have a headache I take 2 aspirin and keep away from children, just like it says on the bottle.
Nutrition labels should include an “What if I ate the whole thing” section.
Pro Tip: In the event of a tornado or other such natural disaster, place wieners and/or cheese slices in your pockets so the search dogs can find you first.
I don’t need a fancy watch to tell me I’m not fit one bit.
I always knew I’d get old. How fast it happened was a bit of a surprise though.
Diet day #1: All the unhealthy food has been removed from the house. It was delicious.
Dear phone, if you didn’t light up so many times to tell me you had a low battery, you wouldn’t have died so quickly!
Think of a number between 1 and 10. Multiply it by 9 and subtract 1. Now close your eyes. It’s dark isn’t it?
You don’t know something? Google it. You don’t know someone? Facebook it. You don’t know where something is? MOM!
I’ve learned so much from my mistakes, I’m thinking of making a few more.
I’ll call it a smartphone when I yell “Where’s my phone?” and it yells back “Down here in the couch cushions!”
Just once I’d like to read a medication label that says: Warning, may cause permanent weight loss, increased energy and wrinkle removal.
Did a cartwheel the other day, thinking it was like riding a bike. It’s not.
Spilling hot coffee on your lap wakes you up faster than drinking it.
Nothing messes up your Friday like realizing it’s only Thursday.
I just cleaned the house top to bottom, so now I’m gonna need everybody to stop living here.
I just found out it takes 5 sheep to make one wool sweater. I didn’t even know they knew how to knit.
No matter how bad it gets I’m always rich when I go to the dollar store.
If we ever travel far in the universe to another planet with intelligent life, let’s just make patterns in their crops and leave.
You never know what you have, until you clean your closet.
When the past comes knocking, don’t answer. It has nothing new to tell you.
Good friends are like stars, you can’t always see them but you know they’re there.