From an email I sent on November 14, 2019:
“I woke up this morning to quarrel with God. I’ve been doing that a lot lately. I find myself demanding my health back so I can continue to do all the things I want to do. I hate feeling like I’m letting people down. I hate feeling like a failure.
Then I had a God-thought: “surrender.” Not as in giving up, but as in accepting my reality, that the stress of not meeting my own high expectations is the only facet of this illness that I can control. (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome seems to be a revving of the immune system by various triggers; stressing makes it worse.)
So for the time being I need to clear my schedule. I can’t keep worrying about whether I’ll have strength or not. I’m feeling peace about this. Being ‘pruned’ is not forever. ‘Lying fallow’ is not forever.”
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Pruning means to remove (superfluous or unwanted parts) from something, or to trim (a tree, shrub, or bush) by cutting away dead or overgrown branches or stems, especially to increase fruitfulness and growth. Fallow is the term used to describe land that is left unsown or uncultivated for a time to help restore its fertility.
Jesus talks about this process:
“I am the true Vine, and my Father is the Gardener. He lops off every branch that doesn’t produce. And he prunes those branches that bear fruit for even larger crops. He has already tended you by pruning you back for greater strength and usefulness by means of the commands I gave you. John 15:1-3 Living Bible (TLB)
I’d like to think that pruning is one-and-done, but I’m pretty sure that it is ongoing. As long as I live, I will need the Gardener’s wise care (“For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11 TLB). There is purpose to all this.
A good plant is more than leaves; it’s valued for its fruit. But I can’t tell if I am being fruitful or just leafing out (leaves are so much less effort!). So, I must learn, however difficult, to let the process work. David Jeremiah says, “The Vinedresser is never nearer the branches then when he is pruning them.” I find comfort in that, and in remembering that this is just for now; it is not forever.
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.
– Reinhold Niebuhr (Serenity Prayer)