(From my journal dated May 18, 1993)
It’s three months today since I became ill. That’s not as long as it seems. It’s hard to remember health.
Last Friday, like a ray of sunshine piercing black clouds, the doctor suggested a diagnosis: “Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.” Since I need a label, that one will do: it is never fatal, it requires no difficult or painful treatment. In fact, there is no treatment at all – only time. Often years.
In a way, I hope this is my problem. It would be a relief to be truly ill with a known disease but one that is not life-threatening or dangerous. But to look forward to a long illness? I don’t know. There is so much I want to do that I won’t be able to do if I am weak and sick. And I hate being ill.
However, I think the doctor is right. I seem to fit the classic pattern: overwhelming fatigue, disturbed sleep patterns, balance problems, cognitive dysfunction, and, maybe, depression (and why not? I feel rotten!).
I need to come to terms with this. For one thing, this disease lends itself to exploitation: if I don’t want to do something, I am “just too tired.” That’s not who I am or want to be. The last few months have taught me one thing: the Lord does give me the strength to obey him. Witness the writing I’ve been able to do and the choir concert I sang in. That’s who I want to be.
After having been where I didn’t belong all year*, it’s important to me to begin being where I do belong. I must start by accepting my limitations, by accepting my disease. It’s okay if I don’t feel good. It’s okay if I have to rest. I hereby give myself permission.
I also need to remember that the people who love me are just that – people. my life may revolve around my illness, but theirs’ do not. That is right and proper. I choose not to place undue pressure on my family or friends. I will let them have their lives.
Today I feel pretty good; that’s nice after yesterday’s fatigue. I rested most of the day, although I didn’t nap. I laughed and joked with my family. I cooked a good dinner. It’s almost 6 PM and I still have energy. I do thank God for good days, and I accept whatever tomorrow brings. With His help I will cope.
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I am waiting for the Lord to help me.
My soul waits for him.
I trust what he says. Psalm 130: 5 ERV (Easy-to-Read Version)
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*See Detoured by Affliction-Journey entry on June 13, 2019 https://afaithinprocess.com/journey/