Two Images

From my journal dated 6/18/2000. Totally from my imagination.

I am the queen of negative self-talk. I sense disapproval everywhere. The first is not a dream, but a quiet-time thought, two pictures from my imagination, both calming and affirming.

I am standing and singing in church. Jesus comes into the sanctuary. Immediately He is surrounded by people, reaching out to Him, touching Him, talking to Him. I hold back, out of shyness or a sense of futility, I don’t know which. There is no way I can penetrate that crowd. And I’m not certain I’ll be welcome.

Suddenly Jesus looks up and His eyes meet mine. Joy and recognition flood His face. He smiles and gives me a sort of half-wink. My heart leaps for joy. I understand what He is saying: He loved them dearly, but He loves me specially because I love them, too. And even from my self-imposed distance I know: I’m His partner, chosen to be His hands and heart. And I also know He is looking forward to meeting with me later. Alone.

**********

I took that image to church with me this morning and as I sat in the pew, aching from the hurt of the anger that had been hurled at me, I replayed it. And it was different.

Jesus came in, as usual, and was mobbed, as usual. But this time, when His eyes met mine, He recognized my pain and immediately broke through the crowd, hurried to me and put His hands on my shoulders as He looked in my face. I could feel the hurt drain away. I could feel it! There is still healing needed – I have sorrow and fear still – but the worst is gone.

I understand now that nothing can keep my Comforter from me, nothing can keep Him from my side. I am “In Christ,” wholly protected. This is true now and this was true when the pain was inflicted. I need to process this, I need to believe it and I need to make my responses in the light of this truth.